The Dating Cheat Sheet: Drug Dealers
While the idea may seem exciting; filled with glamour and freebies, it isn’t. Well it can be depending on his rank within the hierarchy, but chances are there’s someone sitting on top of his boss calling the shots.
I moved back home to Nairobi last year, and granted being 27 and trying to make new friends is already a tough journey, but trying to date, I promise you is even harder.
I met Lewis* on July 11th of last year. He worked under a friend’s boyfriend and we met casually at her house. I was taken aback by his 6” tattooed self (as one usually is) and his delicately long eyelashes. He cooked, he was sensitive and I was impressed.
We dated briefly leading to the end of the year. It was an amazing experience, I wasn’t sure if this was the forever plan but I cared for him truly. I fed him while he drove us around, listened to him complain about the people he knew and even met his sister’s toddler daughter when I used to stay with him in his room/bathroom/area of confinement in South C.
While the dramatic yet toxic back and forth ended sometime this month, I can safely say in retrospect I truly understand what could have gone better to prevent one sided heartbreak and gentle mental instability. Which is what birthed this little guideline; what to do when you’re dating a drug dealer if you’re keen to make it work (should you choose to venture down this path).
Understand If You Are Comfortable
At his position, like any other business, there are good days and bad. Issues with supply chains are more volatile given the nature of his work. There is no legitimate accountability for their income, which begs the question are you okay with that? Secrecy is mandated, are you okay with that? The perennial risk of him not coming home one night, are you okay with that? Clarify your intentions before starting the play.
Get Friendly, Not Too Friendly
Depending on how comfortable he is with you, you are going to meet his “friends”. Note, friendship and work often overlap considering trust is the key component to run black market activities. When you do meet them, are you going to be one of the boys or sit there awkward and detached?
Presuming you intend on spending a lot of time together, pulling him away from his money may not be the best idea. Going with him to make drops is also not the best idea, and not getting in good with his boys is the worst of ideas. If they trust you and he trusts you, that's a recipe for a successful relationship. Don’t be afraid to be kind, a soft touch in a rough environment goes a long way.
Just do not, and I REPEAT, DO NOT MEET HIS FAMILY. If you are committed to the cause, then by all means, cement yourself. If you’re not, avoid jumping in this hole. The last thing you need is association at a close proximity after you’re done with it.
His Erratic Schedule
As cliche as it sounds, a lot more of their activities happens under the veil of night time. This means he’s probably asleep during the day and often calls after weeks of being away for “work” or wired at 1am telling you he’ll be by at 4am when curfew breaks to pick you up.
This is your time to decide your priorities. Losing yourself is not ideal under any circumstances, just ensure the time you’re making for him is time you’re comfortable with reallocating.
The Substances
Part of the perks is the seemingly never ending flow of things to smoke and otherwise. The initial excitement will keep you laughing and talking about things for hours, but when you realize the laughter and open conversation is only drug fueled, things are going to get significantly less cute.
If this happens, talk about it. If you’re not going to talk about it, it’ll go on that way. If it goes on that way, what are you doing if you can’t even talk to the person you’re seeing? That pseudo macho bullshit around “men don’t talk about their feelings” is a lie, if he wants to make it work bad enough, he will.
A Game of Secret, Secret
A key component of this relationship will revolve around how well you “say less”. He may be moonlighting during the day if he’s really on his hustle, support that, talk about that instead, “say less” about how he’s fueling it and more about how to help it grow.
In all seriousness, professionals in black market activities are consistently the most hardworking. If he confides in you, be supportive and tell no one. If he talks to you about his ex of four years complaining about her childish nature and tendency to “manipulate” him, understand he wants you to have that information and tell no one. If he tells you he had a child five years ago with a woman he isn’t on good terms with, it's your call to decide how you feel about it, but again, tell no one. Finally, and more importantly, if he tells you he wants to put a baby in you, tell no one but evacuate yourself from that situation with haste. Telling stories in this case won't just hurt him but puts you visibly in liability’s way. Make better choices.
Really, he was a good dude when we first started interacting, it just so happened to warp into one giant learning curve. It was a lot of “tell me what’s wrong” and doing incorrect things in response both ways. Women able to hold themselves back from getting too emotionally involved, this one might be worth an exciting foray. Though consider much like the secrets you are asked to keep, he keeps his own. This is a long term game, to build vulnerability, trust and hopefully not project or manifest past trauma. It also isn’t about trying to change him or what he does with his time, the word is assimilation not adjustment. It will always be a cautious situation and he will always have to leave when the phone call comes in. Ride or die is the only method of operation, are you really game?
